I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
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In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
your honor my client chooses dare
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION