More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
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“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.