My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
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*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich