They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
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My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.