Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
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Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
whatcha thinkin bout
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Nice try Hitler
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium