Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
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Tammy is short for Tamuel
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch