Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
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Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?