8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
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in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
HERE’S MARKY
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls