My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
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*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Go girl power!
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Genius idea!!
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
What a year we’ve had this week.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”