The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
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Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot