why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
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But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!