You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
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Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant