This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
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Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related