Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
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Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
real
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
welp
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.