man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
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if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Life cycle of cat
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.