WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
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when there are deer in the woods
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
It be like that sometimes 😆
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one