When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
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Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?