The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
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Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
No regrets in 2018