There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
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Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over