A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
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My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.