Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
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Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
tell em, edith-anne
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )