Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
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LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Noah
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.