PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
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[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?