Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
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Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again