My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
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Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.