All right stop, coagulate and thicken
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby