Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
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[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”