Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
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Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
A new level of troll.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and