I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
You Might Also Like
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.