2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.