Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
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Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
This one’s “Alex”.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.