Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
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Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it