I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
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Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Worst bar ever.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.