You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
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how much for the angry fruit?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”