Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
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*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
fly smarter, not harder
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it