VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
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“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I’m giving up ice.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?