Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
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Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
me hooking up with my ex
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?