Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.