Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
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My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
🖤✌🏽
sugar glider wrangler
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish