-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
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I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.