I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
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If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost