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ME: Oh no.
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Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.