interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
You Might Also Like
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
iPhone X