What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
You Might Also Like
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
And now we wait
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.