Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.