I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
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my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
sigh
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me: