Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
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When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.