The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
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Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.