My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
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I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
True freaking story!
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My dad.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive