My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
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Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.